Annoyance: A True Thief of Joy
Photo by Karin Chantanaprayura from Pexels
I would rather not admit it … but I am someone who is easily annoyed. Typically by people who are being inconsiderate of the feelings of others.
People who don’t pick up their dog poop.
People who play their music loudly on speakers so everybody else can hear it … although we really, really would rather not.
People who let their dogs run up to anyone and everyone.
People who don’t hold doors for someone laden down with packages.
People who don’t silence their phones in movie theaters, or people who constantly look at their phones throughout the performance when they’re in the row in front of me… with their brightness all the way up.
I could go on… believe me …
Annoyance.
Irritation.
Sheer frustration.
Vexation.
Aggravation.
Exasperation.
These unpleasant mental states result in us being subject to the (in my case, inconsiderate) behavior of others. And, let’s be real, there’s nothing we can do to change these situations, or to prevent them from occurring in the future. When we become annoyed by external circumstances over which we have no control, we allow what other people do to affect us in such a way that it steals our joy.
I don’t want to continue to be an easily annoyed person. So, here’s how I’m working on it:
How to respond to annoyance, with two simple questions
Do I want to be annoyed by this situation? Do I want to expend energy on this?
We forget that, very often, how we feel is a choice. We can absolutely choose to be annoyed by something, or choose to let it go. Simply asking myself this question provides the context, the perspective I need to recognize that this is a situation I cannot change, and that I’m allowing myself to get upset or worked up about something that doesn’t really matter and isn’t worth my time or energy.
And, when I have this realization, I can then choose to remain annoyed, or begin the work of letting it go: acknowledging and then breathing out the annoyance; delivering the pep talk I need to remember that I can’t change this, and it doesn’t really matter; and returning my attention to what I’d rather focus on.
Who do I want to be in this situation?
Similarly, this question also offers me an option. I’ve said I don’t want to be someone who’s easily annoyed. I don’t want to allow the inconsiderate behavior of others to affect my mood, my morning, my day. On the contrary, I want to (eventually) be someone who does not get annoyed by the small stuff, but for now, to notice when she’s annoyed and be able to let it go and refocus her attention where she’d rather it be.
I want to model this for my nieces and nephews, for my clients. I don’t want to ruin my husband’s experience of the movie by pointing it out to him, as he likely hasn’t noticed it, or, much worse, by confronting the person in front of us (which never goes well, I promise).
This question raises an important point, because this tie into identity helps us make the behavior change stick. It’s not just about what we’d rather do, but who we’d rather be, and that distinction packs a punch.
It doesn’t matter if you’re right…
In many of the examples I gave, I feel justified in my annoyance, my frustration, my righteous indignation. These people are doing whatever they want, despite the ‘rules,’ with absolutely no concern for how it will affect other people.
I’m right … aren’t I? They should not be doing these things. They should be more considerate of others.
Yet… it doesn’t matter if I’m right.
In fact, emphasizing the fact, ruminating on the fact, that I’m in the right only serves to further feed my annoyance.
Whether I’m right or not… it’s still me who suffers from the annoyance.
If this message resonates, let me know! I’d love to hear from you! I read and respond to every message (yes, really!).
If you want to discuss it with others, please share it!
And, if you want more, be sure to subscribe!
Please note: this newsletter is disseminated for informational and educational purposes only and should not, in any way, be construed as medical, psychological, or therapeutic advice. Please be certain to check with your physician or personal therapist with regard to whether these suggestions are appropriate for your individual situation.